Humor, jokes

Discussion in 'Dog Brothers Martial Arts' started by Crafty Dog, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    - A Wisconsin farmer named Ole had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.

    In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly:

    'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

    Ole responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...

    'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

    Ole said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
    down da road.... '

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

    Ole said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

    By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike showed up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

    Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

    'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
     
  2. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  3. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to ​Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

    Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and when the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

    24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The Senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell...

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The Devil smiles at him and says...

    "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
     

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