Humor, jokes

Discussion in 'Dog Brothers Martial Arts' started by Crafty Dog, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

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    From a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' these are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    _____________________________________

    1) ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________________

    2) ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    3) ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


    ___________________________________________

    4) ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _____________________________________

    5) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    _____________________________________

    6) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _____________________________________

    7) ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    _____________________________________

    8) ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    9) ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _____________________________________

    10) ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _____________________________________

    11) ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _____________________________________






    12) ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    _____________________________________

    13) ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    _____________________________________

    And the best for last:






    14) ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS
     
  2. Carol

    Carol <font color = blue><b>Technical Administrator</b><

    I remember in the mid 90s, Mickey Mantle was waiting on a liver transplant. He ended up getting one, from an accident victim that had made arrangements to donate multiple organs should the situation arise.

    The doctor who performed the operation gave a press conference, and took questions. One of the reporters commented on how giving many organs was such a generous gift. He then asked the doctor "May we speak to the donor?"

    The doctor just looked at the man and said "Are you a sports reporter, sir?"

    Classic :D :D
     
  3. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    A member of Parliament to British Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
    the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
    "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
    ****​
    "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
    ****​
    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
    ****​
    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -
    Clarence Darrow
    ****​
    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
    ****​
    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -
    Moses Hadas
    ****​
    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -
    Mark Twain
    ****​
    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...
    if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
    ****​
    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
    ****​
    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
    ****​
    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
    ****​
    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
    ****​
    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
     
  4. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  5. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Not a joke, but my idea of very funny:

    http://winstonscat.blogspot.com/2010/12/iranian-national-air-line-has-star-of.html

    Al- Arabiya reported this week that Iranian officials were outraged to discover a Star of David on the roof of the headquarters of Iran Air. Iran's national airline's headquarters was built by Israeli engineers three decades ago, but apparently no one noticed the symbol until a Google Earth user picked it up.
     
  6. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  7. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    How bailouts work

    Bailing out … the Irish, Greeks, Spanish, Portuguese or whomever - SIMPLE

    It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything. At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
     
  8. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Why we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree:

    Many years ago Santa was having a terrible Christmas. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus had a month-long headache, and the reindeer had had an intenstinal virus and come spring thaw the front yard was going to smell awful.

    Santa was feeling very unappreciated and put upon. The door bell rang. "What now?" he asked himself. It was the angel with his annual Christmas tree. Gratefully Santa reached out to accept it. "Hold on a minute Santa" the angel said "Our costs have gone up so we need to charge you now. It's C.O.D. Where should I put it?"
     
  9. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers

    to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

    or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are the winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

    3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

    The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

    And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest,

    in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
     
  10. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Adam and Eve said. “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
    And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
    And God was pleased.
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
    And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
    And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
    And God was pleased.
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
    And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
    And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
    And Cat would not obey them.
    And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
    And they were greatly improved.
    And God was pleased.
    And Dog was happy.
    And Cat didn’t give a **** one way or the other.
     
  11. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  12. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  13. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    RETIRED HUSBAND

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
    listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
    called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
    antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a






















    fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



    15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?







    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

    One of the clerks passed out.












     
  14. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
     
  15. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm
     
  16. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

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    Crafty Dog Active Member

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