Humor, jokes

Discussion in 'Dog Brothers Martial Arts' started by Crafty Dog, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Puns For Educated Minds
    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."
    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    21 A backward poet writes inverse.
    22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
    23. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
     
  2. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Do you know why gorillas have such big nostrils?

    They have big fingers.
    ===================
    How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two, but nobody knows how they got in there in the first place
     
  3. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    The Itch
    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

    Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...

    The moral of the story







    Always pay your bills!
     
  4. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  5. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  6. Bob Hubbard

    Bob Hubbard Darth Vindicatus Supporting Member

    I skipped the tea party, walked past the coffee party, and formed the Rum Party. :D
     
  7. Carol

    Carol <font color = blue><b>Technical Administrator</b><

    But why is the rum always gone? :D
     
  8. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She said she wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000.

    The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said," Would you like to take my bet?"


    "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.


    Then the woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The woman did so with a little smile.


    Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands."
    ===========

    A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer, to which the bartender refuses as they do not serve alcohol to animals in the bar. The exchange goes back and forth until the bear starts losing his temper and growls "Listen, if you don't serve me a beer, I am going to go over to that bar fly and eat her!"

    "I am sorry," Replies the bartender. "We do not serve beer to bears in this bar."

    The bear grabs the woman and gulps her down messily, looks at the bartender and says "See, now will you serve me a beer?"

    "No," says the bartender. "We don't serve drug addicts, either."

    "What do you mean a drug addict?" Growls the bear.

    "That was a bar b*tch you ate."
    ====================
     
  9. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    One more:

    The Intuitive Drunk

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
    she selected a quart of 2 percent milk, a carton of
    eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
    lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of
    bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
    check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
    placed the items in front of the cashier.

    The drunk says, "You must be single."

    The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the
    derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the
    belt.

    Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
    selections she says, "Well, you know what, you're
    absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know
    that?'

    The drunk replies, "Cause you're ugly."
     
  10. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    A Husband takes his wife to play her first game
    of golf.

    Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first
    shot right through the window of the biggest
    house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
    Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
    apologize and see how much your lousy drive is

    going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked
    on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When
    they opened the door they saw the damage that was
    done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
    antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces

    of window glass.


    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
    people that broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"
    the husband replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
    thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
    trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
    released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
    I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
    keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
    pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million
    dollars a year for the rest of my life"

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
    the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
    healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do
    you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
    servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
    homes will always be safe from fire, burglary
    and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
    your wish, genie?"


    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle,
    and haven't been with a woman in more than a
    thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
    your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said,
    "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a
    fortune, and all those houses. What do you
    think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
    "You know, you're right. Considering our good
    fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
    about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
    husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
    They spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
    each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
    three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over
    and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
    How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

    "No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old
    and both of you still believe in genies?"
     
  11. David43515

    David43515 New Member

    Q: How can you tell your neighbor is a real man?






    A: When you watch him jog home from the doctor`s office after his vasectomy.
     
  12. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Adam and Eve said. "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
    And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
    And God was pleased.
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
    And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
    And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
    And God was pleased.
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
    And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
    And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
    And Cat would not obey them.
    And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
    And they were greatly improved.
    And God was pleased.
    And Dog was happy.
    And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.​
     
  13. David43515

    David43515 New Member

    Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave thier legs?






    A: So nobody mistakes them for Womens` Studies majors.
     
  14. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

    She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

    A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

    There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

    What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

    A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
     
  15. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Did you know it's a good idea to feed marijuana to cows? Apparently you get a better pot roast.

    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He used a pencil to work out his problem.

    Do you know why God made Adam first? He didn't want advice on how to do it.

    Did you hear about the Indian that drank two gallons of iced tea? That night, he drowned in his tepee.

    Did you know that the ability to procreate is genetically based? If your parents didn't do it, neither will you.

    Did you hear about the short-tempered doctor? He lost his patience.

    Did you hear about the blonde who worked at the M&M factory? She got fired for throwing out all the 'W's.

    Did you hear about the kid with the joke book? He's all groan now.
     
  16. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  17. QOTSA

    QOTSA New Member

    A ladies bra, a car battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

    The car battery and jumper leads sit down together at a table, while the bra goes to the bar to order some drinks.

    The bra says 'Can I get three beers?'

    The bartender replies 'No way, I'm not serving you! You're off your tits and your two friends look like they want to start something!'
     
  18. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    They Take The Psychopath

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

    Polaroids

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick


    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

    Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quatro Cinco.

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.

    13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

    14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

    15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

    16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers.

    17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.

    18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

    19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

    20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

    21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack. "Dang! "
    A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang!" Whack.

    22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
     
  19. Carol

    Carol <font color = blue><b>Technical Administrator</b><


    *** STEAL ***

    Meow? ;)
     
  20. Carol

    Carol <font color = blue><b>Technical Administrator</b><

    A North Carolina tobacco farmer sat next to a Texas rancher in a bar. At first, the quiet farmer was a bit leery of the boisterous rancher, but the two men quickly hit it off after discovering that they each shared a love of the land. The farmer described fields of red clay, growing tobacco and soybeans, and the barns he and his father built for curing the tobacco. The Texan described the livestock he raised, and then went off on a lengthy description of his rambling cattle ranch.

    "Why, my ranch is soooo big," the Texan bragged, "so big that I can get in mah pickup in the morning, and drive....and drive...and drive....and I ain't gonna reach the other end of mah ranch until sundown!"

    The North Carolinian took this all in, nodded, and patted his new friend on the shoulder in a reassuring fashion.

    He turned to the rancher and said. "Yup. I had a truck like that once, too."
     

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