Humor, jokes

Discussion in 'Dog Brothers Martial Arts' started by Crafty Dog, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

    Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

    Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

    Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

    They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
     
  2. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...
    ------------
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started...
    ------------
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
    And then the fight started...
    ------------

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And then the fight started...
    ----------
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And then the fight started...
    ----------
    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
    And then the fight started...
    - ------
    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
    And then the fight started...
     
  3. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  4. Rapier

    Rapier RHC

    Thank you for the humor
    Dan Medina
     
  5. gagimilo

    gagimilo Member

    A playboy who lived life like there was no tomorrow at one point gets tired of it, and decides to look for the deeper meaning of things. So, he goes to Tibet in search of a wise man that would answer the questions he has. Once there, they send him to this old enlightened lama who is considered the wisest of them all, but to reach him, the playboy had to climb 2,000 stairs, go across an abyss over a single rope, withstand the cold wind and sharp rocks, whipping torrents of rain...but finally he finds the old Lama and addresses him:
    "Oh, you holy man of wisdom, you who shed light on the darkness of our ignorance, knowledgeable keeper of all virtue, bringer of bliss to our souls, please tell me one thing - what is life all about?"

    The old lama stays quite for a while, and finally says:
    "Life is...like a river."

    The playboy thinks for a moment and, while scratching his head, mumbles:
    "Hmmm, and I always thought it was about fancy cars, prettiest girls, best wines and food, expensive hotels and latest fashin clothing..."

    The lama suddenly gives him a puzzled look and asks with surprise:
    "What!? So, it's not a river???"
     
  6. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    If a man tries to fail and succeeds, which did he do?

    True or False: "This sentence is false."
     
  7. Raw_Prime

    Raw_Prime New Member

    Q. Why does Jack Bauer not have a cooking show?
    A. He keeps running out of thyme!
     
  8. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    *_Italian Confession_*

    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
    went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
    the panel in the confessional, the man said:

    "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
    from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
    have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with
    sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
    twice on Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
    did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
    those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the
    flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
    indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
    more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest..

    "Should I tell her the war is over?''
     
  9. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  10. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

  11. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

    "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

    "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

    "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

    After a moment of silence, he farted.

    The End
     
  12. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:
    "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

    "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
     
  13. David43515

    David43515 New Member

    Here`s a couple of my favorites in return for all the laughs I got reading this thread.

    Two girls were home from college for the holidays and they decided to go out drinking. They talked the night away getting reaquainted and got well and truly drunk as well. After the bar closed the decided they shouldn`t be driving , so they began walking home. After so much to drink both girls had to go to the bathroom, so on the way they ducked out of sight into the local cemetary and squated behind the headstones.
    Neither had any tissue so the first girl wiped with her panties and then tossed them off into the bushes. The second girl was wearing rather expensive panties she didn`t want to lose, so she looked around and grabbed a large ribbon from a flower display and wiped with that. Both girls somehow managed to stummble home before they passed out. The next morning the first girls mother called the second girl`s mother and said "I think I need to have a serious talk with my Jennifer about her wild side. She passed out when she got home last night and when I put her to bed I saw that she came home without any underwear."
    The second girl`s mother began sobbing and said "That`s nothing. When I found Leslie this morning she was paased out in the bathroom and there was a ribbon sticking out of her underwear that said 'Thanks for everything, we`ll never forget you. Love the guys at Fire Station 12'."





    A young guy is in the drugstore and sees a sign that says comdoms are on sale 3 for a dollar. He`s never bought any before, but he figures the price is right. (And who knows, maybe lightning will strike, and he aughtta be prepared.)
    So he takes them up to the counter and the clerk says "That`ll be $1.06 please."
    The young man`s a little suprised and says "The sign said 3 for a dollar. What`s the other six cents for?"
    The cleck says "That`s for the tax."
    "Oh...." The kid says "tacks. I always wondered how they stayed on. Can`t I just use tape?"

    An elderly gentleman...
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!



    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, ' I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
     
  14. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, thewagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

    So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right.

    Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.)
    Now, the twist to the story:

    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the rail road track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...

    and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
     
  15. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    No sex since 1955...
    A crusty old Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief Petty Officer for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Chief Petty Officer just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Chief said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
     
  16. arnisador

    arnisador Active Member

    LOL! Heh, I'll be re-telling that one.
     
  17. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

    An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

    'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

    'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

    'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
    It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
    Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

    It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
    The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

    'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

    'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
    With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
    and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

    'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

    'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.'
     
  18. Carol

    Carol <font color = blue><b>Technical Administrator</b><

    There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
    They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
    The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
    The engineer responded briefly:
    One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
    Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
    It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
     
  19. arnisador

    arnisador Active Member

  20. Crafty Dog

    Crafty Dog Active Member

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